In the last few months of 2013, I chose to be incapable. How sad is that? If I’d watched someone else become so useless, I would have shaken my head in concern. I know exactly what I would have said: it’s not that hard. get your shit together. stop making excuses. So thank you to everyone who didn’t say those things to me (and, begrudgingly, to those who did) and who maybe-probably shook your heads but continued to tolerate me.

In 2013 I drove across the country and back (resolution #1!) and it ended so quickly and sleepily that I didn’t really process what it was. But I got to take my great aunts to lunch (one of them died on Christmas day — so strange how time works) and meet my niece with her little tiny toes and eat plums at the farm until just the thought of them made me sick. And I got to see the Grand Canyon and I don’t know who I’ve told about it, but HELL YES is what I have to say to that gaping valley in the earth. I’m already dreaming of going back.

Then I moved to Raleigh, this weird little city I’m still trying to love? Loving? Loved but now have mixed feelings about? Some days Wade Avenue still makes me swoon and the sculptures at the art museum are big and blessed and downtown is more charming than strange, but other days… I’m just not sold yet. Maybe I will be eventually. Maybe not. It works for now.

But despite the sloth I’ve become (and so badly want to kick out of body), I got a job (resolution #2) and ran a triathlon and got a DOG (!) which has made me question my parenting potential more than ever before. I also reconnected with a man I really love and he’s been making things shine even when I can’t see them. What I didn’t do in 2013: learn how to make fridge pickles (resolution #3), so I’m keeping it simple this year: do three things I don’t think I can do. First: a 10-mile race. The other two are TBD, but there is no shortage of “I can’t”s in my life these days.

Cheers to your new year, new self and all those road blocks in between.

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